Monday, July 25, 2011

And Now, The Speaker Of The House

WASHINGTON D.C. - With the debt ceiling stand-off between the White House and Republicans in Congress coming down to the wire, President Obama took to national television on Monday evening to address the nation. The President used his time to outline the deals that have been proposed and clearly demonstrated frustration with the process. Quoting Ronald Reagan, Obama made an effort to portray the latest batch of House Republicans as out of touch with both their party roots and the nation as a whole.

In the spirit of equal time and not wanting to let the President set the tone, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) requested national television time following the President's speech to offer a rebuttal. We take you to his address now, live....

(Fade In)

(Camera turns on to a dark room filled with a dull fluorescent light)

(Slowly, a tanning bed opens to reveal the Speaker getting out as he has just finished his fifth and final session of the day)

"My fellow Americans, I am Speaker of the House, John Boehner."

(Puts on a robe, pours a scotch)

"I'd like to point out to you all that we are unwilling to raise the debt ceiling because Obama wants to ruin America."

(Lights a cigarette)

"You see, even though we're elected to govern and not actively try and ruin the country's credit rating and economy, we're saying we'll do just that in order to stop the President. The man is a menace."

(Camera follows him into his office, a dark wood paneled room featuring a small wet bar and closely resembling a cocktail lounge)

"All he wants is for our country to get back on the right track economically in order for him to get re-elected in 2012. Since the populist wave of the Tea Party swept us into office in 2010, how can we allow this? We must act now to stop his agenda of job creation and economic prosperity. If people are working, spending money and happy next year they'll be too busy to notice our fear mongering and xenophobic campaign events."

(He begins to get misty eyed)

"When I was in Ohio prior to being elected, I was a small business owner. Regardless of the fact that I now rely on corporate interests to fund my campaigns and spend my days kowtowing to Tea Party bullies in my caucus, I still remember what it's like to be a small person like the rest of you."

(A cocktail waitress wanders into the picture, hand him a napkin and tops off his drink)

"And I refuse to stand idly by and let this President enact any policies that would allow for you small people to enjoy any upward mobility in terms of salary or benefits."

(The waitress leans in and lights another cigarette for him. He takes a deep drag, exhales, rubs his eyes)

"As you know by now, we think that once all of the money that would otherwise be jobs or potential raises in salaries for you is finally given to the richest Americans, those fine folks will finally be ready to begin practicing trickle down economics and enrich us all."

(He begins to openly weep)

"And if it weren't for those meddling Democrats, we would've had this plan in place back in the Eighties."

(He has to stop talking again to wipe his tears away. The waitress brings another napkin as the first is soaked and has begun to flake off all over his face)

"So please remember that we have a plan for you all when we willingly let the shit hit the fan next week. And when November 2012 rolls around and we're all bowing to our new Chinese overlords, please remember who made this happen....President Obama. Good night and God Bless America."

(Polishes off a large swig of scotch and takes one last drag from the cigarette. Pinches the waitress' ass and winks at the camera)

(Fade out)


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Easy Sandy Koufax. Lefties are only useful in baseball